It Gets Better
You might have noticed a lack of new material in the last year. The reason? This past year has been better. Yes. There have been bad times, some even worse than in the years before, but I've dealt with it. I finally took the advice I gave everyone on this blog. But I was wrong about one thing. I always stressed you had to dig your own way out, and you really do for the most part, but I never acknowledged that others could hand you a better spade.
This year has been transformative. I became part of a new friendship group and they're amazing. Maybe one or two will read this and understand how much they've done for me. Being friends with these supportive, caring, hilarious people gave me the opportunity and motivation to completely change my life. I went out and did social things, I got a job through nepotism. But its not just that. It's intrinsic. These friends, these silly, dirty-minded, lyric-singing, cider-drinking people helped me to see my own worth, helped me build my own self image with better bricks. And all this without even knowing that they were doing it, or that I needed them to. I've relinquished that weird need for them to know all about that sad state of mind that I entered the group with, and that still creeps up on me from time to time. They didn't, and still don't, know all the convoluted ways that life has chipped away at me. But they don't need to because I've realised, with their unwitting help, that I can be accepted as I am ; as I want to be. So I can become exactly that. So if you are reading this...Thank you. Thank you so much. I only hope I can provide a fraction of the help you've given me.
Younger me was verbose, and let's face it that will never change, but she was also right about one thing, though she didn't believe it herself when she wrote it: I now look back at some of my old posts like The Road To Recovery and can hardly identify with them anymore. And that is truly uplifitng.
I'm not saying I'm out of the tunnel. There are dark times brewing overhead. But I now face them with a refreshed outlook. I recently got romantically involved with a great friend and was surprised at the way my over-analytical brain presented it to me. I saw it, not as running from my problems, valuing my self by the relationship forming, or choosing the idea of a relationship, not the person, but as sign of what this post is all about. This genuine connection I've made, however late in the game, is a manifest of how far I've come in creating a newer, less maladaptive self concept. And for it not to be marred by the cold logic of my accelerated and amplified reasoning is just the cherry on top.
So now my inner monologue has started to fill with self esteem and stopped dangling deep in the abyss of depression that it decayed within for half a decade, my memorandum to my past self, my future self and anyone else struggling, is that grand old cliché: It really does get a little bit better.
M xxx
Was right about one thing though. I look back on some of my posts like the road to recovery. Anf I can hardly identify with them anymore. And that's amazing
This year has been transformative. I became part of a new friendship group and they're amazing. Maybe one or two will read this and understand how much they've done for me. Being friends with these supportive, caring, hilarious people gave me the opportunity and motivation to completely change my life. I went out and did social things, I got a job through nepotism. But its not just that. It's intrinsic. These friends, these silly, dirty-minded, lyric-singing, cider-drinking people helped me to see my own worth, helped me build my own self image with better bricks. And all this without even knowing that they were doing it, or that I needed them to. I've relinquished that weird need for them to know all about that sad state of mind that I entered the group with, and that still creeps up on me from time to time. They didn't, and still don't, know all the convoluted ways that life has chipped away at me. But they don't need to because I've realised, with their unwitting help, that I can be accepted as I am ; as I want to be. So I can become exactly that. So if you are reading this...Thank you. Thank you so much. I only hope I can provide a fraction of the help you've given me.
Younger me was verbose, and let's face it that will never change, but she was also right about one thing, though she didn't believe it herself when she wrote it: I now look back at some of my old posts like The Road To Recovery and can hardly identify with them anymore. And that is truly uplifitng.
I'm not saying I'm out of the tunnel. There are dark times brewing overhead. But I now face them with a refreshed outlook. I recently got romantically involved with a great friend and was surprised at the way my over-analytical brain presented it to me. I saw it, not as running from my problems, valuing my self by the relationship forming, or choosing the idea of a relationship, not the person, but as sign of what this post is all about. This genuine connection I've made, however late in the game, is a manifest of how far I've come in creating a newer, less maladaptive self concept. And for it not to be marred by the cold logic of my accelerated and amplified reasoning is just the cherry on top.
So now my inner monologue has started to fill with self esteem and stopped dangling deep in the abyss of depression that it decayed within for half a decade, my memorandum to my past self, my future self and anyone else struggling, is that grand old cliché: It really does get a little bit better.
M xxx
Was right about one thing though. I look back on some of my posts like the road to recovery. Anf I can hardly identify with them anymore. And that's amazing
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