False notions, shame and, weirdly, the beginnings of self-respect
It's an interesting thing, the human capacity for self-deception. We all do it, whether we know it or not. We have these firm ideas of who we are, who we're not and who we want to be. We think we know we are friendly or noble or loyal or decent but at the end of the day, when we lie in the bed we make ourselves, we find ourselves confronted with the irreconcilable concept that we aren't. We are human; invariably flawed in that we cannot accept that our pain comes only from our own false notions.
In recent events, I discovered something about myself. Throughout all I have been through, the depression, the anxiety, the rage; its always been due to other people or events. But in past weeks I've come face to face with the mirror, angry and sad to see that I was the problem. Never before in my life have I ever had a problem with myself, my morals and core foundations. Ive been melancholy, I have been anxious, I have been emotionless but never ever have I been ashamed.
We pride ourselves on who we are. When our problems face us, even in the dark we can fall back to one trait. For me it was that I was a relatively decent person, something I pretty much disproved for myself of late. I used to attack the person I least respect, most blame for my misfortune only to find that really...we're not so different. The only difference? They knew who they were, truly. And now I guess so do I. Don't get me wrong, despite how it made me feel, I do not regret what I did. In the moment, It's what i wanted. And that is what makes this revelation even more poignant.
Its not pretty, but i know and hopefully this is the beginning; The inception of a new me, honest and truthful with myself at least (lets face it, lying is just part of my natural speech patterns) and that I start to gain some modicum of self respect.
Anyone else who has had a similar crisis, will appreciate the following article from Joan Didion on self respect. I've found myself reading it alot recently and it serves to remind me what I'm working towards and I hope it does the same for you too.
www.vogue.com/3241115/joan-didion-self-respect-essay-1961/
M xxx
In recent events, I discovered something about myself. Throughout all I have been through, the depression, the anxiety, the rage; its always been due to other people or events. But in past weeks I've come face to face with the mirror, angry and sad to see that I was the problem. Never before in my life have I ever had a problem with myself, my morals and core foundations. Ive been melancholy, I have been anxious, I have been emotionless but never ever have I been ashamed.
We pride ourselves on who we are. When our problems face us, even in the dark we can fall back to one trait. For me it was that I was a relatively decent person, something I pretty much disproved for myself of late. I used to attack the person I least respect, most blame for my misfortune only to find that really...we're not so different. The only difference? They knew who they were, truly. And now I guess so do I. Don't get me wrong, despite how it made me feel, I do not regret what I did. In the moment, It's what i wanted. And that is what makes this revelation even more poignant.
Its not pretty, but i know and hopefully this is the beginning; The inception of a new me, honest and truthful with myself at least (lets face it, lying is just part of my natural speech patterns) and that I start to gain some modicum of self respect.
Anyone else who has had a similar crisis, will appreciate the following article from Joan Didion on self respect. I've found myself reading it alot recently and it serves to remind me what I'm working towards and I hope it does the same for you too.
www.vogue.com/3241115/joan-didion-self-respect-essay-1961/
M xxx
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