Growing Pains
I've been thinking a lot recently about growing up and how we have our directional intention confused in this idiom. Up seems to mean an improvement. But is it? Is growth really so one-dimensional? Is life not more complex than simply a straight line? In reality, we grow up and down, both in literal height and width and more metaphorically, in depth.
When we are young there seems to be so little self-awareness of fallibility, of a need to grow. Our parents would tell us we didn't know it all, that we hadn't had much experience, that we weren't as mature as we believed but we couldn't take this, dismissing it largely as parents being parents. It is only as we get older and our internal monologues begin to sound a lot more sympathetic to that view and we find ourselves dishing out the same previously thought obligatory aphorisms, that we see the truth in their admonishments.
In a way, despite now realizing it was the truth, this time of denial was perhaps a more blissful time in terms of my own moral and personal development. When I was younger, I had things to deal with that concerned mature topics that were beyond my years and I dealt with them alone, not even revealing my turmoil to my closest family member. Consequently, I always felt like less of a child than I should have done. This maturity and sombre experience I had, made me feel like I wasn't growing up, more like I'd surpassed that stage. However, there were ways in which I was naive, and stayed so beyond the parameters of the time when they were conventionally meant to dissipate; ways which I was blind to, due to my circumstances. Although no-one would have blamed me, I never really had a rebellious phase, never really went off the rails. I never snuck out, I never really hung out a lot outside school and I never drank, not even being slightly tipsy till I was nearly 17. My time was spent keeping up a permanent performance, whether that was at home, at school or on a professional stage. When you are so caught up in keeping a mask, sometimes you forget what should be changing underneath.
There are so many ways in which I didn't mature, which I skipped. I skipped giggling about boys and went straight to dealing with the betrayals and sins of adults. I skipped drinking and went straight to serving my own brand of kool-aid and I skipped makeup and clothes and went straight to carving a perfect porcelain mask. There were times, which I now deeply regret, where I thought I was being mature and logical in doing something, when in fact I was simply scared, naive and inexperienced. I accidentally led friends on, I turned great guys, well one great guy, down and then I slouched into a safe, uninspiring relationship which was in no way bad, just wasn't any way at all because I didn't know what it was meant to be like; because I was mature in so many ways I shouldn't have been but not in all the ways I should.
No-one really talks about growing down and this is definitely something I've explored in past years. There are ways in which you can mature and learn more of the facets of your many faces that aren't necessarily of an upward trajectory. In truth, I have grown in ways I wish I hadn't. I did things I wasn't proud of that revealed parts of myself that I wasn't happy with. I was now problematic, not the world or others. It turned out I wasn't as decent as I previously thought I was, or I thought I was trying to be. So, in sense, I saw that as growing down. Yet, once I clambered out of the rabbit hole this sent me down, I started to see that growing down, even though it seemed to be a negative thing, was still growth.
True growth is growing up, learning what you want and new skills and outlooks, and it is also growing down, looking back at regrets and unveiling all qualities, including the less favourable. Growth isn't about direction: at its core, its a reflection of your own self-discovery. The more you learn about the world around you, scenarios imposed on you and traits within you, the more you are shaped. As you grow, you learn to be more comfortable with all of the above. Growth is the filling of these gaps, the spaces between who you think you are, who you want to be and how others see and affect you; a reconciliation of all these parts.
Luckily, there is infinite room for this growth. After all, the entire universe is meant to be all, literally everything, in existence and yet we know it is expanding. So if it it is completely all-encompassing, what is it expanding into? This is perhaps how we should view ourselves in the scheme of growing: Stars, like relationships, can burn bright, can turn supernova or just wither away into a cold dwarf. Planets of moral superiority are declassified like Pluto and there are other alien personalities yet to be discovered. In the end, though it all takes place inside yourself, this growth is infinite, like the universe with plenty more mystical space to expand into. So forget up, down and shaking it all round; Growing is living and making positive decisions and mistakes. They are all inextricably tied and I would never wish to stop any one of them and neither should you.
“We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.”
― Anaïs Nin
M xxx
When we are young there seems to be so little self-awareness of fallibility, of a need to grow. Our parents would tell us we didn't know it all, that we hadn't had much experience, that we weren't as mature as we believed but we couldn't take this, dismissing it largely as parents being parents. It is only as we get older and our internal monologues begin to sound a lot more sympathetic to that view and we find ourselves dishing out the same previously thought obligatory aphorisms, that we see the truth in their admonishments.
In a way, despite now realizing it was the truth, this time of denial was perhaps a more blissful time in terms of my own moral and personal development. When I was younger, I had things to deal with that concerned mature topics that were beyond my years and I dealt with them alone, not even revealing my turmoil to my closest family member. Consequently, I always felt like less of a child than I should have done. This maturity and sombre experience I had, made me feel like I wasn't growing up, more like I'd surpassed that stage. However, there were ways in which I was naive, and stayed so beyond the parameters of the time when they were conventionally meant to dissipate; ways which I was blind to, due to my circumstances. Although no-one would have blamed me, I never really had a rebellious phase, never really went off the rails. I never snuck out, I never really hung out a lot outside school and I never drank, not even being slightly tipsy till I was nearly 17. My time was spent keeping up a permanent performance, whether that was at home, at school or on a professional stage. When you are so caught up in keeping a mask, sometimes you forget what should be changing underneath.
There are so many ways in which I didn't mature, which I skipped. I skipped giggling about boys and went straight to dealing with the betrayals and sins of adults. I skipped drinking and went straight to serving my own brand of kool-aid and I skipped makeup and clothes and went straight to carving a perfect porcelain mask. There were times, which I now deeply regret, where I thought I was being mature and logical in doing something, when in fact I was simply scared, naive and inexperienced. I accidentally led friends on, I turned great guys, well one great guy, down and then I slouched into a safe, uninspiring relationship which was in no way bad, just wasn't any way at all because I didn't know what it was meant to be like; because I was mature in so many ways I shouldn't have been but not in all the ways I should.
No-one really talks about growing down and this is definitely something I've explored in past years. There are ways in which you can mature and learn more of the facets of your many faces that aren't necessarily of an upward trajectory. In truth, I have grown in ways I wish I hadn't. I did things I wasn't proud of that revealed parts of myself that I wasn't happy with. I was now problematic, not the world or others. It turned out I wasn't as decent as I previously thought I was, or I thought I was trying to be. So, in sense, I saw that as growing down. Yet, once I clambered out of the rabbit hole this sent me down, I started to see that growing down, even though it seemed to be a negative thing, was still growth.
True growth is growing up, learning what you want and new skills and outlooks, and it is also growing down, looking back at regrets and unveiling all qualities, including the less favourable. Growth isn't about direction: at its core, its a reflection of your own self-discovery. The more you learn about the world around you, scenarios imposed on you and traits within you, the more you are shaped. As you grow, you learn to be more comfortable with all of the above. Growth is the filling of these gaps, the spaces between who you think you are, who you want to be and how others see and affect you; a reconciliation of all these parts.
Luckily, there is infinite room for this growth. After all, the entire universe is meant to be all, literally everything, in existence and yet we know it is expanding. So if it it is completely all-encompassing, what is it expanding into? This is perhaps how we should view ourselves in the scheme of growing: Stars, like relationships, can burn bright, can turn supernova or just wither away into a cold dwarf. Planets of moral superiority are declassified like Pluto and there are other alien personalities yet to be discovered. In the end, though it all takes place inside yourself, this growth is infinite, like the universe with plenty more mystical space to expand into. So forget up, down and shaking it all round; Growing is living and making positive decisions and mistakes. They are all inextricably tied and I would never wish to stop any one of them and neither should you.
“We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.”
― Anaïs Nin
M xxx
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