Giving Doubt The Middle Finger

Both on this blog, and on my own skin, I have written odes to resilience. I have preached of trouncing the tempest and weathering the squall and yet, I failed to see a distinction between the future and the present, between victory and journey.  I spoke of having made my way through the night, whether it was true or not at the time of writing, and yet, I neglected discussion of the true value of the triumph; the means of its realization. It is not the victory, but the fight which we should all celebrate within ourselves. I recently got another tattoo, conspicuous and tucked on the inside of my middle finger, to represent and remind me of this fact.

I had been mulling over an ellipsis for a while, the English student within me relishing in both the aestheticism and the attached meanings it had. To me, it meant 'to be continued'. It represented my unalterable feelings of resilience and continuance despite adversity and doubt. It would serve to represent, in the three little dots, everything I had endured and everything I hoped for the future. It was the medal at the end of a journey, a symbol of my victory. However, that is not solely what it's purpose has to do with now. 

As is life, uncertainty loomed around the corner and my infallible feelings of resilience were soon tested and felled. Though I had spent every day, since I was 15, wishing for a certain outcome, a graduate rejection saw all certainty crumble away. Through everything I had been through, I saw this future as my resolution, my reward. And yet, with one email, everything I had worked hard for, striven for and limped on for, was essentially gone. I forgot about getting the tattoo.

Until, one night, I realized that perhaps this was the perfect time to remember about my tattoo and what I thought it would mean to me. If it could represent a past victory, then it could remind me of my current capacity too. In a time where I had lost sight of my resilience, my hope and my vague whispers of a quiet resolution that would be carried on future winds, I realized that now was the perfect time to get inked. I spent so much time in my darkest moments feeling the certainty of my fortitude, of my eventual victory, that I forgot what it was like to truly truly doubt it. I spent my time focusing on the light ahead or dancing in the breaks in the cloud for so long that I forgot the way to deal with the dark. 

I have been and will be resilient and hopeful. But now is a time where, in the present moment and tense, I often fail to say 'I am hopeful and resilient'. These three dots not only represent the past and future but remind me who I am in each and every moment because of these things.  When I cannot feel these things myself, I now have a constant reminder that these traits never go away, that everything, despite adversity and though uncertain, is to be continued.

Perhaps, once this distinction of process and result is made and accepted, it should be once again tossed aside, to make way for the way to dance in the rain, not just in the sun; accepting that the journey itself is a victory, that the fight is worth a positive reception if only you just have the courage to throw one punch. And now, whether I curl my fist to punch doubt or give the middle finger to a honking van driver, everyone, but most importantly myself, will know that I am my past, I am my future and I will always find the resilience inside, if only I look for it.

"Hope is like the sun. If you only believe in it when you can see it, you'll never make it through the night."-- Yes, this is 100% an unashamed Star Wars quote.

M xxx