The Indicative And Subjunctive

On my way home from Miranda Hart's amazing tour show, my mum pointed out that if we lived where we used to, when I was little (the New forest), that we would only be ten minutes away from home. It re-established a feeling that has been an intermittent blood clot in my heart. I wished that I still lived there, however, I only lived there from birth to 2 3/4.   I yearn for a place I cannot remember and it baffles me. I think perhaps it just helps to think of the 'what ifs' when misfortune and unhappiness come your way. We live in a subjunctive state; Yearning for faces you cannot visualize ,places we can't remember and we hide in intangible memories we cannot recall whether are real, or imprinted echoes of faded photos. Perhaps we seek the meaning in them, the things that they represent- a familiar face,unsullied by their betrayal, your distrust and life's sufferances. A place in the country where contentment lay a rested head and the darker shadows of the world were yet to reveal themselves. Memories you hope are real, as they are without the taint of under-surface insecurities. These are childish delusions. We have to stop yearning. These places people and memories were never as idyllic as we picture. They only seem so because we can't remember, we have repressed that strange forlorn and far away look in their eyes and the precarious position of a home a house- that we wouldn't recognise if we posted a newsletter of today's problems and angers, through its letter box. Stop picturing hiding between bookcases, patting ponies and smiling strangers- and yearn for the life you live now; live in the indicative case. And if you can't, for goodness sake, just be happy in this moment.

M xxx