The Priority Is Happiness
So I got asked by someone to meet them for a long, heavy and serious conversation, after they screwed up royally, but I didn't feel ready, or feel like I cared. I wasn't able to bring myself to even tell them whether I was going; my vindictive streak is quite something, but fairly so. I sat on the bus about to go bowling for a good friends birthday and at that very moment I was travelling in the opposite direction to where I was meeting the person for the conversation: I was running away. And it felt so good. Until I remembered why. I know I can’t run away forever but that day, and days hence, I wanted to be happy and the direction I was running in had the possibility to make me forget and be happy for just a moment. So I carried on. My point? I always have one.
Perhaps through all our melancholy moping and sustained sadness, we lose sight of our true problem: we aren't happy. Being sad about that, is a trait, although idiosyncratic to our species, that is absolutely the opposite of what should be happening. For me, sometimes I feel like saying the world is falling apart around me, crumbling down, the rubble knocking me down, as I run away. We are all such drama queens. Our skies are not grey because it is simply the clouds blocking our view. Resentment of inanimate clumps of water vapour will not get you, or me, anywhere. That feeling, that rubble, that hits you down is the absurd sorrow of being happy. Your friends do or say something that makes you feel warm inside or you have a brilliant day and then all of a sudden you utter that infamous three letter word: BUT. E.g But what about all of my problems. But they're still there. But I am still unhappy. But perhaps I was pretending: All statements that arise if you have spent most of your time wearing a mask, and being a moron, like me.
I spend so long not noticing the breaks in the cloud, just dreading the next downpour from those cumulonimbus calumniators. For example, I made a new really good friend at college, who is awesome, and just the person I need right now. I have my sister, who is amazing and I have things I am passionate about. I have to stop worrying that TV shows are just me burying my head in the sand and let myself enjoy them. It doesn't have to be people that can make you happy either. Happiness and satisfaction are out there, in the most peculiar places; like I love that sound when you pour water on fresh ice cubes and they crack. A silly little thing. But no less important.
So for now I have put off that conversation. For how long? Who knows! I think at this time I will focus on being happy and see where it takes me. That is my priority. Maybe you should make it yours.
“There is no greater sorrow than to recall in misery the time when we were happy.”
― Dante Alighieri
M xxx
Perhaps through all our melancholy moping and sustained sadness, we lose sight of our true problem: we aren't happy. Being sad about that, is a trait, although idiosyncratic to our species, that is absolutely the opposite of what should be happening. For me, sometimes I feel like saying the world is falling apart around me, crumbling down, the rubble knocking me down, as I run away. We are all such drama queens. Our skies are not grey because it is simply the clouds blocking our view. Resentment of inanimate clumps of water vapour will not get you, or me, anywhere. That feeling, that rubble, that hits you down is the absurd sorrow of being happy. Your friends do or say something that makes you feel warm inside or you have a brilliant day and then all of a sudden you utter that infamous three letter word: BUT. E.g But what about all of my problems. But they're still there. But I am still unhappy. But perhaps I was pretending: All statements that arise if you have spent most of your time wearing a mask, and being a moron, like me.
I spend so long not noticing the breaks in the cloud, just dreading the next downpour from those cumulonimbus calumniators. For example, I made a new really good friend at college, who is awesome, and just the person I need right now. I have my sister, who is amazing and I have things I am passionate about. I have to stop worrying that TV shows are just me burying my head in the sand and let myself enjoy them. It doesn't have to be people that can make you happy either. Happiness and satisfaction are out there, in the most peculiar places; like I love that sound when you pour water on fresh ice cubes and they crack. A silly little thing. But no less important.
So for now I have put off that conversation. For how long? Who knows! I think at this time I will focus on being happy and see where it takes me. That is my priority. Maybe you should make it yours.
“There is no greater sorrow than to recall in misery the time when we were happy.”
― Dante Alighieri
M xxx
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